Where The Monsters Are

Well, wish me luck. Jakerules called me up and invited me over to his place for a visit. I'm still not sure if this is the real Jakerules, or an elaborate plan by Matt to get me on his turf. Well, I'll find out soon enough.

I just want you all to know that, if this is a trap, these last few weeks of struggling against Matt have been the happiest of my life. If I don't come back, please keep up the good fight!

Good luck to you all. I'm going in...

Makeup Trailer Matty

It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, all the things Matt has ruined for me. I'm dead on the inside, and it's his fault.

Here's what I'm talking about. Thanks to Colonel Dogpile and His Excellency Sir IMDB.com, I've learned Matt has been working on makeup crews for several famous Hollywood movies. Movies I've loved over the years. Now, all turned to dust.

I mean, check out this list of films:

Planet of the Apes
Hellboy
Batman and Robin
The Rocketeer
Coming to America
Beauty and the Beast
Predator
Aliens

The list goes on, but not my heart. I'm all torn up. All the good times we've shared, gone forever. Heck, I just watched "Aliens" with Matt not too long ago. Now I see why...it was just another way for him to brag about how good he is.

What really makes me sick is that he's worked on children's films like "Beauty and the Beast". I know we follow the almighty dollar around here sometimes. But think of the children, for goodness sake. The line must be drawn somewhere.

I'm calling you out, Matt.

So Much Shouting

Ah, that crazy Matt, he sure has been busy. I've got a page full of things he has done, and I don't know where to begin. I'll have to ration them out over the next weeks. Course, what nefarious plans will Matt have hatched by then? Who knows what evil this man is capable of??

That would be me.

I've seen his latest scheme, and it's low. Real low. Matt has introduced...Blog spam.

And you thought that regular spam was bad. What's with that jelly-like substance anyway? I digress.

As I was reading thru old posts, checking for mistakes or what have you, something new caught my eye. On one of my posts I noticed I had "7 comments". Wahoo!, I thought. Someone was reading the site and decided to post some thoughts of their own. Awsome! Great! Fantastic!

Imagine my shock (and awe) when I discovered that the comments were only formulaic responses telling me I had a great site, and oh-by-the-way why don't I visit some website for all my gardening needs. Or Erectile Disfunction needs. Or porn needs.

It was then that I realized that Matt must be behind all of this. He knows were growing a bit too strong here at I Hate Matt Rose, but he doesn't want to tip his hand. So what's left to do but to spam us. Dirty. Disgusting. Totally in line with what I expect from him.

I had hoped that it wouldn't reach this level of confrontation between us. I hoped we could wage our dirty little war in the shadows. You know, so it wouldn't have to spill out on to regular, decent folk. I was wrong. Matt has pulled off the kid gloves.

But I've got some gloves of my own to remove. I'm going to subscribe him to some home and garden magazines. Two can play this game.

El hombre con la botella en su mano

Another recruit for I Hate Matt Rose. We're really growing by leaps and bounds here. I think I may need to look at renting some office space. (On an aside, I'm working on a project with Director of Technical Affairs Gallegher to arange for a group photo of everyone working on I Hate Matt Rose. Look for a group shot in the coming days.)

I was looking for something to spruce up the site. You know, give it a bit of pizzaz. Some street cred, if you will. What I found was a true brother in the war that's coming.

It was Mrs. Babelfish that initially pointed me in his direction. Or some people on the Warmachine forums. Doesn't matter.

When I went to meet him, he was sitting by a dusty roadside cafe in Ciudad Sola, Mexico. When I told him why I was there, he squinted up at me and in a parched voice said "Para una botella de tequilla y un paquete de fuma, yo son su hombre." What a connection I felt! My Spanish isn't too good, but I'm pretty sure he is filled with loathing for Matt Rose. I can't express how good it felt to find a kindred spirit.

Anyway, Señor Sloganizer will be spouting random sayings for us at the top of the page. They'll change every once in a while...he's so creative. Gracias, Señor!

MatT-100

As I was doing a bit of work on the website, I looked at the last post and I realized something. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't Jakerules that I was talking to on the phone at all. Check this out.

You remember the movie, "The Terminator"? There's this one scene where Linda Hamilton is talking on the phone to her grandmother. She's telling her everythings all right, not too worry. Then you see who is on the other side of the conversation. Yep. The Terminator. It's not Linda's grandmother at all. It's the Terminator. Only it sounds like Linda's grandmother. I know! I'm like, "Holy crap, that's the Terminator, but it sounds like Linda's grandmother!" Or at least what I imagine her grandmother sounds like. Heck, it fooled Linda, so it must be pretty convincing.

So maybe, just maybe, that's the dealio here. "Jakerules" calls me up. Says he's having some trouble posting to the website. Says not to worry. Everything will be fine. Right, grandma...

Who can you trust?

Plus, this just feeds into my theory that Matt has incredible powers. The ability to mimic a person's voice must seem like child's play to someone like Matt. But it would fool us mortals for sure.

Or, perhaps he's really a time traveller from the future sent back in time to hunt down Linda Hamilton. I'm not really sure about that last bit, tho.

By the way, some of the information for this post was provided by Sir Imdb.com. Thanks for helping out, your Excellency.

Matt at it again

I've spoken with Jakerules and everything is ok. You thought that Matt had gotten to him, too? Yeah, I was worried there for a bit. Turns out things are well, and he was just having a few problems that hopefully will be cleared up soon. We'll all laugh about it soon. I think Jake even has gotten another post idea out of the whole situation.

Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Mom, Matt Broke the Internet!

Today, today is the greatest of days. And the saddest.

Today is the start of GenCon...that holiest of holy gaming conventions. Where new games, accessories, and adventures are announced and available. One of the things I've been waiting for is the release of Apotheosis, the newest Warmachine expansion.

So, there I am, reading on the message boards at www.ikwarmachine.com about all the fun new toys and rules. And then comes sadness. The server is too busy. Unable to load.

The horror.

I'm pretty sure Matt is behind all of this. He's into Warmachine as well, and I'll just be he was the straw that broke the camels back. He and his high-falutin internet connection crashed the server. So what are the rest of us supposed to do now, Matt? Wait to hear from you about all the cool new toys, instead of reading it for ourselves? Ooooh, I'll give you what for, Matt. Just you wait...

The Brave Step Forward

Well, today is a historic day in the life of I Hate Matt Rose. I'll stop talking and get to the goods.

We've got some new soldiers in the war on Matt Rose. They'll give us lots of ammuntion in the days and weeks to come. I hope they know what they're in for.

First, a true legend in the field of I Hate Matt Rose. Indeed, the motivating force behind the creation of this website. Jakerules has been hating Matt Rose for almost as long as I have. Indeed, my hate pales when held up to his fiery passion. Glad to have you aboard!

Next, we have a new Director of Technical Affairs. Thee Virgil Gallegher. His help in editi...heh, I mean cleaning up photos and film will be invaluable in the times ahead. Even now he's working on a very special video project, codenamed "Owingblay Upyay Atmay's Ousehay." Try and crack that one, Mattibious.

And finally, another valuable internet resource has come forward with a goal of aiding I Hate Matt Rose. Colonel Dogpile has been helping ferret out the truth on all things Matt. He joins our Special Research Division, along with Dr. Google and Mrs. Babelfish. I couldn't ask for a better team.

Six brave souls against a sea of oppression.

I've got point...    

Deleted for Posterity

This is not a post. Look elsewhere for your entertainment. If this had been an actual post, you would have laughed and enjoyed yourself. You are not doing this now. This is because this is not a post.

The people who were going to make this a post have been sacked. Consider yourselves lucky.

-john-

Hateful followup

I've got a few minutes to post a few additions and followups to previous posts. If you need to, go back and read the original articles...they're still funny.

Until the Murder

You may be wondering what that spot of white is near Matt's head in the final picture. I'd like to think that's his soul leaving his body.

Conspiracy Theory Pt. 2

I've just remembered some information that makes my assertion that Matt is in fact 190 years old even more true. Remember in the post that he joined the Confederate Army and fought in a battle? We'll, guess where Matt lives now? He lives in a place called Vicksburg Appartments. And what is Vicksburg but a southern city and famous Civil War battle. Still living in the past, aren't we Matt?

These are things I thought you'd like to know.

International Language of Love

Over this past weekend I had the great pleasure of visiting with a number of friends I'd not seen in a long time. And as we were sitting around talking, my friend Jake mentioned this very webite to the group. (Jake will hopefully become a regular contributor to I Hate Matt Rose in the near future.) People were interested, thought it sounded funny, and so I told them about a few things that I had written.

Now, before I continue there is a little bit of background you must know. Jake and his wife Heather have a daughter, Asha. She's a little over one year old, has an enormous head, and is slowly learning to communicate with people. One way that she communicates is with some very basic sign language. Heather and Jake are teaching her some very simple words, like "more", "all done", "down", and a few others. She's getting pretty good at using these signs.

Back to the action...

As I'm telling people about these stories, people are laughing and talking. Asha seems to be enjoying herself as well. At this point, and I couldn't make this up, Jake asks Asha if she wants more I Hate Matt Rose stories. And, sure enough, she makes the sign for more.

So there you have it. Even children Hate Matt Rose.

Know your Enemy

One of the resources that I use in the creation of this Blog is http://babelfish.altavista.com/. It's a translation website. It helps me spread the word of I Hate Matt Rose to over...well, a lot of countries. I probably shouldn't say just how many because I might endanger my operatives. Only Dr. Google has been brave enough to publically procaim his support for me. I'll never forget that, buddy. Or you, Mrs. Babelfish. Bless you both.

Anyway, as a public service, I thought I'd offer up the name of evil, so to speak. That way you can be ready in the event that, say, you're walking in downtown Paris and hear his name.

Dutch: mat nam toe
French: mat s'est levé
German: matt stieg
Greek: ματ αυξήθηκε (try saying that while you're drunk!)
Italian: opaco è aumentato
Japaneese: マット上がった
Korean: 일어났다
Portugese: matt levantou-se
Russian: matt поднял
Spanish: mate se levantó
Chinese: 暗淡上升了

Wow, apparently in Asian countries his name is so vile they have to censor even the letters.

Two Hours

Now, for all the trash I throw at Matt Rose, there was a time when we were close. Good friends, even. Before the dark times. Before the Empire...

I cannot tell you an exact incident which caused the downward spiral of events which led to this website. But I can give you insight into the devious and evil mind which is Matt Rose.

Several years ago, I and another friend were going to a movie. A speical event for a movie. Yes, we had managed to get into an advance screening of a movie, seeing it before the rest of a nation could see it. We felt proud, we felt good.

Then Matt called. He was in town, he said. What are you guys up to? Oh, can I come along? Sure we said. Matt is cool, this'll be fun we said. How naive we were.

The movie was "The Scorpion King".

Do not see this movie. Do not rent this movie. Don't even talk about this movie without some sort of Environmental Impact waiver. I lost two good hours of my life that night. Sometimes at night I cry.

I don't know how, but I now think that Matt arranged for all of these events to come to pass. He must have used his then-unknown powers to trick us into going to this preview, making us think it was our idea. It's all clear to me now. He said it hurt him to watch this movie too, but that's a lie.

Oh 120 minutes of life, I will avenge thee!

It's official

Well I just got off the phone with them, and Sting is pissed.

Until the Murder

Well Matt, you've finally crossed the line, haven't you? You just couldn't let some things go. Well, this time I've got the straight dirt. I saw the whole thing. And I'm going to make sure they nail you right to the wall for it. Right to the wall!
Here's the situation. My friend, Ev, decided he was going to have an intervention with Matt. You know, to turn him away from his evil deeds. Yeah, he was packing. As it turns out it was a good thing he was. Things got out of hand quickly. Matt just wouldn't be changed. I was hiding in the bushes nearby and saw the whole thing.

Matt grabbed a handy weapon and threw it. Ev was no match for his foul powers, and I was unable to help. A Zenith television, Matt? That boy ain't got no style.

Ev was dead. I mean, just look at all the blood and ooze. Damn you, Matt! He was my friend too. Why, (sob) why?

Oh foul, foul Matt. Is there no dignity in death? It wasn't enough to just kill him. No, you _had_ to drive over him with a mini Tonka Truck. It was at this point that I vomited and staggered away from the horrific scene.

We'll see what the Police have to say about all of this...

Up for air

Whoa, Matt sure has been busy lately. Either that, or I've been drinking waaaay too many cafenated beverages. Either way, one thing is certain:

I Hate Matt Rose. Allow me to demonstrate.

Once upon a time there was a great movie. It was called "The Gamers". One and all loved to watch this movie. It made people laugh. Peace bells rang across the land. Dogs and cats lived together in harmony (which I'm pretty sure is near the Iowa border). Matt Rose owned this movie.

Surprized?

Then the dark times came. One day Matt took this movie away from all the happy people. He said "It's mine, I bought it. You'll have to get your own copy."

Mighty Casey had struck out.

The people cried. Bells rang no more. And you know how dogs and cats are nowadays.

Yeah, eventually I did buy my own copy. And yeah, it's funny. But I couldn't solve world hunger with it the way Matt _could have_. Instead, he walked away from his humanity. He chose a darker path.

I found his humanity in a ditch one day. Looked like a truck had hit it. Serves him right.

Conspiracy Theory Pt. 2

(gasping)...Ok...breathe John. I think...we lost him...when we crossed that ocean...back there... (gasping)

I'll make this fast, cause I don't know how much time I've got left. Matt is on to me. He unleashed his hounds and is fast on my tail. This may be the last transmission you get from me. If you don't hear from me again, HE has gotten to me, and I urge you to continue the fight whatever the cost. We must not go quietly into the night!

Here's the story. Me and my trusty companion Dr. Google were creeping around looking for dirt on "Matt Rose". I know somethings not right with that guy, especially in light of my most recent discovery that he is not who he appears to be. What I came across will make your hair stand on end. Lock up the children, and cover your animal's eyes. Buckle up, Dorothy, cause Kansas is going bye bye.

Found on Google:

Matthew or Montgomery S. Rose b 1815

Matthew (or Montgomery) S. Rose, b. 1815 in Tennesse (A Cherokee), married Rebecca (Vincent) Rose in 1848. They mad a family in Pulaski County Missouri surrounded by Musgraves and Vincents. In 1861, he joined the 10th Missouri Confederate Infantry with many Musgraves and Vincents and went to war. He fought at the Battle of Prarie Gove Arkansas on Dec 7, 1862, where SEVERAL Vincents and Musgraves were killed. He was never seen again after the battle and was listed MIA, but presumed dead. He left children though... Although it is possible he survived and just moved on, perhaps from the battle to the nearby Cherokee reservation.

Two things frighten me about this information. One, that Matt is 190 years old! That, folks, just ain't right. His powers are clearly beyond that of mortal men. We have no idea what we're dealing with. Two, he has spawned unholy offspring to aid him in his diabolical schemes.

Watch your back. Trust no one. Keep your blaster handy.

This is getting worse by the moment.

Conspiracy Theory Pt. 1

This could be it. THE big one. The moma of all things I Hate Matt Rose. El moma de todas las cosas odio Matt Rose for our Latin-American friends. Check, please.

Matt Rose is not who he says he is. I know, I should have told you be sitting. Take a moment, if you need it.

Today, I was searching around the internet, looking for other ways to avoid the Matpocalypse (tm), and I stumbled upon something that chilled me to my soul. I was googling for images that might aid me in my quest to avert Rosageddon (also tm), and I came across this...

Matt Rose

So now we've come full circle, Matt. When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the Master. Who are you, really? This clearly is the real Matt Rose. I didn't find any pictures that looked like the Matt I know. Google wouldn't lie to me.

The next move is yours, "Matt". Come clean, before the real truth is known. I'm onto you "Matt". I'm coming for you...

Under the Sea

I think I've finally worked through the maze of lies and deceptions which Matt uses to keep the truth from us all. After much thought, soul-searching, and internet searches I've finally found the truth.

Matt sank Atlantis.

Bear with me now. Here are the facts:

1. I think I might have heard Matt say he didn't like "this Atlantean guy".

Now sure, you'll say, he might have been talking about someone from Atlanta, GA. Ah, but that leads right to my second fact:

2. Atlanta, GA is still there. The legenday continent of Atlantis is gone, sunk beneath the waves for all time.

Why would Matt be talking about a place that is still there? It doesn't make any sense. And finally...

3. Matt's favorite superhero is Auqa Man. And what does Aqua Man always do...he fights against the "evil" Atlanteans.

Therefore, using only the most clearly defined facts: Matt willingly caused the destruction of an entire civilization.

Also, I will now debunk Matt's pathetic attempts to argue against the facts.

Matt: "I never said anything about a guy from Atlanta. I've never even been there."
Sure, Matt. Right.

Matt: "Atlantis isn't even a real place."
Victors write the history books, Matty-o.

Matt: "My favorite superhero is Iron Man."
We all know that's just a cover up.

Matt: "Whatever. This is dumb."
Is it, Matt? Is it?

Man that Matt really steams me sometimes.